(Edit: My beautiful friend Eleanor says most eloquently what I wanted to say about Samhain in this post but never quite made it as far as expressing.)
Today is, for those of us what believe in such things, the night upon which the veil between the worlds is thinnest. I did intend to go and have an autumnal walk about the cemetery in honour of Samhain – even took a half day so I could get there before it closed – but as is not uncommon I became distracted. So then I planned to walk around Hilly Fields instead. But I got distracted again. And although it would be fitting to have a midnight stomp I’m not sure I can bring myself to leave my cosy warm flat and attempt to inspire my tired out body to walk up hills. As usual I seem to have managed only about half of the things I aimed to achieve today, and I’m actually beginning to worry about my concept of time. Over the past couple of years I have gone from a punctual person to a person who is late for almost everything, from a person who gets everything done in the time it takes to do it because she does not piss about for ages in between and/or get distracted and forget what she was doing to begin with to a person who successfully completes around 15% of the intended tasks. I don’t understand what happened. One of the many things I meant to do this evening was write a blog about changing and/or reconciling to the idea that I am not the person I thought I was, either because I have always been deluded or because I have changed and it’s taken me time to catch up. I.e. I’ve only just been able to admit that I am now a Late Person with poor time-management skills. To this I should also add that I am a person who has difficulty sustaining interest in anything that I can’t hold in my brain all at once/complete in one sitting. The former is, I am quite sure, a new development: I did not always used to be late. In fact, it is probably only in the last year that it has become a chronic problem. I can’t remember the last time I was on time for work, for example. In the case of the latter, I think I have always been impatient and prone to frustration with anything that takes too long to manifest but somehow I adopted this general view of me being hard-working and perseverant when actually it’s all fits and starts. Anyway. This wasn’t even meant to be my topic right now – another time, perhaps, I will talk about not being who you/other people think you are.
I can’t even remember what I was going to say now. I wanted to walk in the cemetery and write some blogs and do a new year ritual and finish the mix CD I’m working on and still get a reasonably early night and all I’ve actually done is talk to my mum on the phone, look through old photos and upset myself, and make a venison stew that is less nice than the last time I made it. I would complain about how doing an MA and a full-time job and trying to have some kind of life takes up so much time and energy that I can’t possibly hope to do all the things I put, optimistically, on my ‘to do’ list, but I know that the real reason I never get everything done is because I faff around and waste time. I think I just want to feel stressed out and have some kind of allergy to being comfortable. Life just isn’t right without a feeling of guilt that whatever I AM doing, I should really be doing something else. For this same reason I always have at least one thing on my ‘to do’ list that cannot possibly be achieved – or at least not without the acquirement of more resources or knowledge than I currently have available – just to punish myself.
So anyway, I wanted to write a blog a bit like this but better, more of an objective discussion of self-image and less a narcissistic ramble about how generally useless I am, and being useless I wasted too much time not doing any of the other things I wanted to do to actually do it properly so now I’ve done a crap version that I will use as an example of how much I fail. In addition to my last list of anticipated blogs, none of which I have as yet written, I also want to write about
The Joy Formidable
Promiscuity in rape victims
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Responsibility in customer service
And a million other essays that I have written in my head and subsequently forgotten about. I do so wish I had a little stenographer in my brain who could record all my thoughts and publish the good ones here without me getting involved. Sometimes one’s own mind is a tedious place.
Anywayyyyyy, what THIS entry was supposed to be was just your song and image for the day. So that is what it will be.
Afro Celt Sound System – Release